I got lucky this weekend and spent some quality time with my new girlfriend, Bayonetta. Hanging with her, it was all too easy to be unfaithful to my other games which more urgently need my attention, and as you may know, young love is often very, very hot.
Honestly, I wasn’t expecting much out of her, even after giving her a test ride on the casting couch at my friend’s place. I was like “Hey Bayonetta,” and she was like “’sup handsome – wanna bang bang the shit out of some angels?” and I was like, “Yeah, sure.” And after a “har har, ain’t we blasphemous” cut scene with a Joe Pesci wannabe (who might be the real thing for all I know) I was going nuts with four guns at once and combo-ing the holy shit out of angels with the greatest of ease. But just playing an early stage can not deliver the hyperzootropic experience that Sega has provided.
And Sega, you old son of a bitch! How in the hell have you been? How long has it been since we hung? God, there is no way we’ve done anything together more recently than the Dreamcast unless you count Genesis collections and Wii Virtual Console downloads. Sega, your defeat in the console wars was no less gracious than Japan’s unconditional surrender of WWII. And now instead of trying to make consoles to accommodate your grand visions, you are doing the best work of your life while Microsoft and Sony try to outdo each other for hardware performance.
I am not comfortable describing the plot, mechanics, or visuals of the game, so here:
Flying, falling, or soaring? I must be tripping.
Slashing, submachine gunning, reducing
Legions of Paradise’s most grotesque warriors of light
Into feather and blood blusters
Slow-mo Polaroid-perfect angelmeat shower fuckfest
Neon Genesis Evisceration
Bayonetta would have make a great arcade game. It would be an excellent multiplayer game. It could probably even be engineered to become a splendid fighting game. But I like it the way it is. And I’ll let the makers roll around in a bed of praise and fortune for as long as they want and still not pester them to make a sequel. For the sake of preserving what purity and profanity has been achieved with this game, I would actually say please fucking don’t — but in my heart I know that it is inevitable for a game of this multi-service caliber.
This is one of those games you could look at through many lenses and find just as much socially damning content as you could and find redeeming content. I don’t give a damn about what people find morally objectionable in games, and I laugh even harder at those who say “Yeah, well, the main character is female, so this game empowers women.” All right — let me just say that two things have been achieved here: one is yeah – you’ve done done it. The sexual playing field in games is now even because Bayonetta is simply more bad-ass than 95% of all video game characters regardless of gender or role. Two, and this is the important one if they actually want to keep selling this game in sequels and DLC until the end of the century: they have finally made a video game character who is actually red fucking hot. They tried and tried – everybody fucking tried and everybody fucking failed. Big tits here, a bikini there, bigger tits, monstrous tits, pouty lips and big fat hips – video game women have just been consistently annoyingly un-hot. Even the Viera, Fran from FFXII with her Aeon Flux / Playboy (let’s fuck like a) Bunny getup can’t compare to the sheer hotness the Umbra witch coven’s last scion. Indeed, the greatest challenge of Bayonetta may simply be not jerking your dick all over the place every five minutes and courageously pressing on with the story.
I don’t give numbers out of numbers. But this post is 666 words, so I’ll give it that. Epic.