Let’s all take a moment to laugh at the Fanboy. That silly hard-luck kid charmed blind by the mere mention of his favorite franchise. More frequently duped and disappointed than his more discerning peers, the Fanboy is often in a ball-aching state resembling the single-sided relationship of an insecure, overwhelming lover. Well, laugh! Laugh, and laugh at me, for I have been bamboozled, flimflammed, and speckeldorfed into purchasing counterfeit Final Fantasy swords.
I wish I was joking.
Recently, I set up a Yahoo Japan account, and when customizing my dashboard, I included weather, Hanshin Tigers scores, my gay little avatar, and Yahoo Auctions. Now I am all too predictable when it comes to auction sites, so it’s not difficult to guess what my first search string was (hint: it rhymes with ‘primal pantasy’). I began browsing items, and at first only added them to a watchlist. Pretty groovy shit: Die-cast Eidolon figurines, out-of-print bundles of IV, V, and VI for the PS1, and suddenly I spotted them. No way. Eight hours left and bidding yet to begin at ¥1? Get the fuck out of town. Go, git! So what the hell, I thought, I’d buy that for a yen. And then they’ll get snatched up, I think. I’ll get sniped, and that will be the end of that, I theenk.
Or, I will soon be the proud owner of a rare set of miniature replicas of swords featured in the Final Fantasy series (not to mention the smoothest Yahoo Auctions bidder who ever lived).
And holy dumping shit, I win. The sword set is mine for a single yen! And then! Then I read that shipping is going to be ¥1500, because it’s coming from China. Uh oh.
I should have noticed that something was amiss just by noting the esoteric collection of titles represented in this set: VII, VIII, X, X^2, Dirge of Cerebrus (oh what a fucking shitty game), and XIII Versus? Versus isn’t even out. And I saw the pictures before I bid, too – completely taken in by the well-done packaging, which is a mistake that all game players should know not to make. Add to the mix the sheer shininess of the swords, and it never even occurred to me that they could be anything less than genuine, faithful recreations of the old, familiar blades. Now I’m just being an idiot.
But I man up to my account and pay it. And a few days later, a package arrives from China. Inside the shipping box, the fucking swords are spilling out of the packaging which doesn’t look nearly as convincing up close. “(C)1999 Square” is a nice touch, too (now who can tell me why?).
The swords are cheap dumpy chrome things, probably made from used condoms, and coated in a lead/SARS-based paint. I suppose they superficially resemble the original Buster Sword, Gunblades, Fuck Blades and Fart Blades, but I am too upset that I’ve purchased knock-off Square shit that I immediately restore them to their “case” and hide them on a shelf far out of reach of my infant son, who would only be too happy to play with a box of tiny shiny daggers.
This, everyone, is the kind of gullibility that makes Nigeria a competitively wealthy nation. So lesson learned, and all that shit, I hope. I should have learned it a long time ago with Tactics that just because it bears the FF seal, in no way does it guarantee a quality product. The price of red-hot fandom may be much more than a single yen plus shipping next time. Protip: if there’s anything besides the words “Final,” “Fantasy,” and some roman numeral, caveat emptor, god damn it. Caveat emperor Gesthal figurine, anyone?
Pictures coming came soon. That’s what this blog needs needed – Pictures, man, pictures!
Don’t let this fool you. This is not cool in any way.