Hot Tactical Pocket Wars

This is an entry from this summer when I was playing Final Fantasy Tactics for the GBA:

I’ve said before that any Final Fantasy title not followed by but a roman numeral after it is bullshit. And I’ve straight-up ranked-out Final Fantasy Tactics as a game that should not be played. It was the first of several titles that came to mind — names of games that I paid money for and was left with a blue-balled, limp-dicked, ever-lacking anti-final fantasy-experience, and upon that cursed with a tumor made out of hyphens. Those names are: X^2, Dirge of Cerebrus, Revenant Wings, and Tactics. I’d include Adventure, but Adventure I beat in a single rental session, and it was a game that served its purpose well. It was basically Final Fantasy for kids and pussies. It had its challenges and merits, but it was like Final Fantasy V’s younger brother went on an exchange program to America, and then he used all of his brother’s clout to pose as a kickass adventure game. Well, he succeeded, but then again, so did Eragon, and that piece of bullshit storytelling rode on the wings of another writer’s Ringwraiths.

I got a hankering for Final Fantasy Tactics. I got this urge, you see, after several personal positive reviews, a Penny Arcade comic, and a few years as a fledgling D&D player. Yeah… this game, kind of … I don’t know — is like Tactical, or something. It’s fun. I like it. But then again, I’m still winning. If I start losing in these battles that take anywhere from 30 to 95 minutes, I am going to be pissed.

The game gets you pissed, for sure, in new and manageable ways.

First and foremost, there is a calendar of arbitrary “laws” in this game, and if you get into a battle on a certain day, that day’s laws apply to how you fight. Here are the three most retarded, fucked up, fuck off, what the fucking fuck, this game is stupid, fuck your warty-cunted mother with a summoned cock laws that I’ve come across:

3. No healing over 20 HP
2. No damage over 20 HP
1. No ‘Attack’ Command

The lowest two on this list lament the idea that a move has a determinable result output — that sucks. Attack rates are low as it is. Before you execute an attack, it may tell you that you have a 50% chance to hit for 21 damage. What do you do? Hope that you hit but roll low on the damage? That is your only chance of making it through your round without incurring the wrath of the judges. That’s right — break the rule and get a yellow card, a red card, go to jail, or lose stat points. This is complete bullshit. And no attack command? How about no battery power over 20%? That if it dares to glow green, you, for all your tact and dedication LOSE.

I haven’t played this game for about two months. I love summer.

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