Uppression

I fucking hate software updates. Earlier this year I updated the OS on my iPhone 3G, which was a big mistake because that upgrade turned my phone into a stumbling, bumbling, slow-ass, unlikable idiot. After the upgrade to iOS 4, it couldn’t even play Final Fantasy anymore. It crashed every time there was a random encounter. I’m convinced that it was this upgrade that eventually killed my phone and put me out $250 because I was still making payments on it. That’s a real dick thing to do, you know – never mind my accusation that your upgrade actually destroyed the product you sold me, but to release an upgrade – which eventually became mandatory when any kind of restorative process was to be enacted on the phone – and not give a damn about how performance may actually suffer on some devices as a direct effect. No, I mean, that is really heartless and fucked. You dicks. Now I have your iPhone 4 – it works fucking great. Just like my 3G did when I first got it. I can’t wait until you release the 5 and make mine not only obsolete, but inoperable. You shit-drinking cock-dick bastards.

Most people are so stupid that they’ll download and install an update simply because one is available. They either don’t read what it’s for at all, or see that it’s for a piece of software they never even use, and download it anyway! Stop doing that! That is stupid, and if you do that, then you’re stupid and you should stop doing that. Oh, look – there’s an update for iMovie that’s only 106 MB. 106 MB, you fucking creep?! That’s space for a high-quality mp3 copy of a double CD. Go rip the White Album at 320 kbs and fuck iMovie because your stupid ass ain’t never going to make no god damn movie, bitch.

Upgrades and updates are both forms of “Up-pression” that one: admit that the developers were not ready to release their product cuz it’s not fucking finished, or two: users are having too good an experience, and that’s just not right. Every time Super Mega Worm updates, they make the icon for it look stupider and make the people you eat say stupider shit. Many current iPhone app updates are only there to accommodate “iAds” so they can make money off advertisers and annoy you with advertisements that take up screen space. Upgrading Firefox is always pointless, time consuming, and when I open it back up, it’s geared to bend me to the will of the corporate fuckbuckets even harder than before. Integrated search engine! Customizable Google background experience! Any “streamlined customizable user experience for you,” you should know by now, is fucking bullshit and they only want your information so they can try in increasingly annoying ways to get your money that you don’t have. The new Google Images sucks, too.

I will go out on a limb here and venture that unless it fixes a bug that you have personally experienced, there is no reason to ever update your software. New “features” just mean new bullshit 99% of the time. Hell, I only upgraded to iOS 4 to get iBooks because I thought I’d be reading books on my phone – HA! That thing is slow as fuck and I could write Moby Dick quicker than I could read it on that fucking phone. Sure, it works great on the actual iPhone 4, and you can even read .pdfs at a decent speed, but it didn’t require an update. Do you know why? Because that was something the 4 was supposed to do all along.

Now my newest update woes stem from the very game that I could not play on my first iPhone, Final Fantasy. This is a good game for the iPhone – it was redone with shiny new graphics and all the bonus dungeons from the GBA version. Good game to have with you when you have to kill a lot of time on trains and shit like I do. Level a little here, a little there, and proceed at your own pace. When I got it loaded onto my iPhone 4, I had to start over, but I was quite enjoying it again. I even found a way to listen to my favorite podcast with the phone’s internal music player while playing the game. Normally it doesn’t allow you to do this, but if you are listening with headphones, squeezing the clicker button starts playing whatever you were listening to last. A neat little hack that completely revitalized my interest in the game.

Now no offense to the great Mr. Nobuo Uematsu, but dude – I have heard enough of your beautiful yet kind of repetitive Final Fantasy I music for three lifetimes, and now I just need something more to amuse myself with while I spend lengthy amounts of time level grinding in the foul places of the earth. Also, the sound effects volume is extremely badly balanced. Don’t bother making an upgrade for this issue, though. Actually go ahead – fuck it. Upgrade anything you want now. Your latest update has taken all the joy out of playing this game again. No, the update did not erase my save files. It simply disabled my “hack,” and basically any interest I had in continuing the quest. Clicking the headphone button during gameplay now just freezes the game on the spot. That’s not very nice. It shouldn’t do that. I could almost understand if it didn’t do anything at all and let the game continue running, but freezing the game for just attempting to listen to something else, I guess, is something that could only be fully fucking realized by something as stupid as a software update.

Lesson: if it ain’t broke, an update will fix that.

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