Of Red Rings and Empires

Things become ugly. Words are hurled like monkey shit. Xboxes die.

And recently it has been brought to my attention that by declaring the failure of my Xbox a karmic repercussion for calling the whole staff of play-asia “bitches and bastards,” I am in fact imposing my Western superstitions and fractured spirituality on the disinterested, logical minds of the rest of the world. Did God destroy my Xbox because I wrote that shopping through play-asia funds the Red Chinese empire? Maybe. But it’s not why I regret saying all of those things. For as fuck-faced as those dildonic cretins at play-asia are, they actually were not trying to steal money from me, and according to them, doing just the opposite.

Honestly, though, nobody gives a god damned fuck, and rightly so. They don’t, you shouldn’t, and I’m finally beginning not to. But keeping in spirit with the theme of this blog, if a game is epic because I play it, it is equally as tragic when a game disc fails or my Xbox red rings right as I’m getting into a long-awaited game during the only chunk of vacation time to be had for months and months.

So waah, poor me, let’s talk about my gay dead Xbox. I bought it used from an online auction for very cheap. I don’t remember how old it was then, but it lasted me from about May of 2008 to December 2010, which in itself is a pretty remarkable life span for the defective little fuck. I didn’t even treat it super great – I kept other game systems stacked on top of it to save space, which I know is a huge don’t do that. I woke up slightly hungover early in the morning after my ugly exchange with play-asia to get in some Final Fantasy before the family woke up. And the ring showed red. Now it sits in my room and I punch it sometimes. I’m going to buy an axe or a hatchet just to chop it into bits with either Huey Lewis or Stealer’s Wheel playing in the background.

...stuck in Gran Pulse with you..♫♪

I had to buy another fucking Xbox, and this is the week after Christmas shopping when I’m fucking drained. There was no way in hell I could afford a new Xbox slim, and even if I could, I’d have to buy a separate HD cable, and then find some way to transfer all of my save files from the HDD on my not working Xbox. I decided it would just be best if I could find another core system. I wouldn’t need any cables, controllers, memory units or games. Nobody was selling such a thing. So instead, I went in for a used Arcade set and ended up with a copy of Blue Dragon – hooray. But I don’t plan to play it. In fact, as soon as I finish Final Fantasy XIII, I think it would be in the interests of peace and progress if I just sold all the games for beer money and gave the Xbox to someone I hate.

The idea of “games crashing” is an extremely lame concept to me because before, that would only happen with PC games because PCs and PC games were fucked up and prone to being glitchy and erratic. It was just part of their nature. And I thought I had escaped that antiquated grievance. But after the Fallout fiasco, and now Final Fantasy XIII – which indeed crashes a lot, it’s just like – Hey, what the fuck!? Ever heard of beta testers? You fucks? How about making systems that work and making games to work on the systems? The Xbox crashes and fucking crashes, and it just doesn’t make any sense because it’s expensive and technologically advanced, and all it’s supposed to do is play fucking games, but it can’t! And then it dies! And I die! And poopies!

Yes, I think I should definitely get rid of this thing as soon as I finish the game. Every time I turn it on, I feel like I’m setting a time bomb of disappointment. After every in-game action, I’m holding my breath, just waiting for it to fail on me again and leave my balls out in the deep blue sea. To feel the bite of that horrible, banal loss just once more. And then hang it all up and get back to playing a real game like Final Fantasy IX for the Playstation.

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