Snipes and Sexts with FF Ickts

I’ve been having this on and off love affair, but I can’t remember if it’s with Final Fantasy IX, or if Final Fantasy IX is the one I’m cheating on. I’m starting to think that maybe FFIX was that hot chick I fucked in college who has since lost her looks but will still get naked for me on webcam. People are always talking about remaking VII for the PS3, but I think that IX is the one who actually deserves the makeover. And labiaplasty.

Did you know that FFVIII and FFIX were actually being developed at the same time? It’s true! They were nearly simultaneous projects, and somehow Nobuo Uematsu was able to compose the score for both of them at the same time, which to me is an achievement on par with producing the Beatles’ White Album or even being in a band with Axl Rose.

When I die, my report to the Lifestream of what I did and accomplished on this Earth will shame me into reincarnation as a caterpillar. And I really fucking hate caterpillars.

When I started the third disc, a good jerky handful of months ago, I was pissed that I had to go back to disc 2 to put things in order for me to get a “free” ribbon in the fourth. Well, I went back. I went through all those lengthy-ass scenes and that stupid card game tournament and even won it. But these are not enjoyable when they are not optional – that is probably the essence of annoying characteristics when it comes to feeling up FFIX under the bleachers.

The most emotionally racking part of the game occurs on disc 3, and if you miss it, you basically miss the game. It’s done in the style of old-school nervous existentialism by one who is oblivious to the concept. Which to the non-pretentious who would never dare to analyze story tellings through such buzzworded lenses, that means the main character is fucked and out of luck, and is hopelessly convinced that there is a meaning to his existence and that that meaning is that of an HIV germ in the presidential ice cream sundae.

It’s really hard to get through that scene, and this time not just because of its lengthiness, which is also colossal. You actually have to fight three bosses in a row with no save points in between, and if you fuck up, you have to wake up to that nightmare again and again until you get it right.

I did this about three weeks ago.

The next time I play with FFIX’s tits, it will be on the fourth disc with the option to finish on its face at any time.

But I stall.

For I am in the middle of many other games.

What can I say?

I’m a motherfucking player.

2 Responses to “Snipes and Sexts with FF Ickts”

  1. zer0percent Says:

    I’m thinkin’ about getting a GBA copy of FFVI (III?). I’ve never got past second base before breakin’ up with my SNES.

    What do you think?

  2. amerikuidaore Says:

    I think that that’s about the greatest investment in enduring electronic entertainment you could possibly make. It’s sad, though — I don’t think they kept the original Ted Woolsey translation for the GBA port. Damn those sons of submariners.

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