Another summer vacation gone as Gannon. Now that I am back at work, I should be able to get some serious entries written, because let’s face it: the only time I can accomplish something creative and wonderful is when I’m completely neglecting something important. So let’s recap the summer of 2011 and take a look at how I spent the downtime of a brilliant paid August.
When I finished my last class on that Saturday afternoon to officially kick-off summer vacation, I came home and jumped back into a game of Full Throttle that I had started some months earlier. It was a little trickier than I remember — fighting those fucking bikers one after, especially. I’m not embarrassed to admit that I found a cheat that reduces all those biker fights down to two hits: I hit Shift V, and they hit the ground. The biggest mistakes in LucasArts games, I’ve found, are when they try to incorporate some kind of arcade action, and Full Throttle has if not the most, then at least the worst of any point and click adventure. Point and click games are the shit because they require no more dexterity than to point and something with a mouse and then click it. In Full Throttle, you have to play a shitty game of Road Rash and an even shittier game of Twisted Metal. It grinds down the game to a near standstill at what were arguably meant to be the action high points. You have to perform the same tedious actions over and over again with no indication if you’re doing anything right — or that there’s even a right way to execute the actions necessary to get back to the clickin’ good time I came for.
The only other flaw in this otherwise traditional and bad-ass game was that my port into the Boxer was incomplete, somehow cutting out some key animated sequences in the final ‘pursuit’ where Ripburger comes after you in a giant rig. Whatever — I toasted his ass and went straight into Sam and Max Hit the Road. This game carried all the way over into the next day because I had to eat and sleep and poop a couple of times, but it was done as done by Sunday afternoon, and what fun. What fucking clever, witty, sharp, motherfuckers of artists made that game. There is no way that the new Sam and Max could possibly be as playable or enjoyable, right? I mean, from the trailers I watched, it looks like Pixar cut a wet fart that took a shit and then that piece of shit tried to mold its own shits into Sam and Max and animate them into a shitty game. But trailers can be misleading. Maybe you downloaded that game off Steam or Live or something and now you wish you were dead. Either that or you just don’t have the nards to wish you were dead.
Summer vacation is over and I sure wish I were dead. And that everyone I love was dead with me so we could spend eternity playing video games and eating GariGari-kun popsicles and watching the All-Japan High School Baseball Tournament together.
This isn’t really going how I planned and will have to be continued when I have something else important to blow off, like the consistency of my liver.