AquisituationS

I think that I’m pretty much going to have to find a way to make game blogging my full-time job or at least a secondary source of disposable income, because with all the potential and essential gaming on the horizon for 2012, I might not even be able to drink this year.

Christmas brought joy in the form of a shiny red 3DS, which has already become an auto-equip accessory for any outing from commuting to work or going grocery shopping. The reason is the souls you can collect just by passing within proximity of another 3DS carrier doing the same thing. The 3DSs wirelessly shake hands and gain each other’s avatars, which can then be ’employed’ to play a game where you can acquire hats for your own. Yes, hats are nice and collectible, but I’m more fascinated with the people you come across and the things you can learn about them. You get to see their Mii, you get to see where they’re from (which colors in a portion of a map), you get the greeting that they programmed their Mii to say, and you can see what game they were playing most recently. I can tell you that in Japan right now, everyone is playing Monster Hunter 3G, and NO ONE is playing Ocarina of Time except me. Sometimes, the last ‘game’ people were playing is the Settings Menu, which is pretty embarrassing, because that game sucks. To spare my avatar this shameful introduction (the equivalent of one’s Mii taking a dump), I’ll sometimes open up the demo of Metal Gear Solid 3 or FF: TheaterhythM to make my dude and his gaming habits look cooler. Then I’ll just snap the whole thing shut with the power on, put it in my coat and make my way about town. And though I’ve actually been playing those demos, it’s a pretty safe bet that if my avatar showed up on your 3DS sporting one of those games’ box arts, it’s a cake-like lie.

But there is another acquisition that I think I’d better log in this forum where I can explain in full how and why it came to be. And no, I didn’t decide to try my hand at Xboxing again. The boycott of all Microsoft products is still in full fledged embargo mode, and those assholes shouldn’t have the right to reproduce (effectively destroying their entire development strategy). Fuck them and fuck, fuck fuck it. I ain’t mad. Why should I be? Ladies (sure) and gentlementals, I present the newest addition to the EpicuziplayiT armory:

In 3-D


No, no, no — the other one. Oh hi, 3DS — yes I love you, too, but I need you to move out of the frame for a minute.

Ah, there she is. I think I'll call her: "Playstationey"

Let me explain. And maybe I should explain why I feel the need to explain. This was a purchase that is pretty much outside my means of living and pure goddamn extravagance. I am lucky enough to have a job that pays the bills, and a part time job that pays the vices. But a PS3 has always been out of my price range, plus I was just blessed with that gorgeous 3DS, and am currently in the middle of three terribly epic long games on two yet additional systems.

Here’s how it went. On Tuesday, I had to renew my alien registration, and Serendipity just happened to lead me to her glistening rose petal labia where I sipped deeply from the fount of desire. That’s the short version. And I did have to renew my alien registration; that wasn’t bullshit. But I used it as an excuse to go home early from a day of nothing to do at work, and found myself in the Yamada Denki store by the station. I had to get that cover for my 3DS, mostly so that it would fit better in the goddamned carrying pouch I bought for it the previous week. When that purchase was completed, I started to leave when I was suddenly seized by the discount bin near the check-out. It’s in my nature to look in discount bins whether I’m in an electronics mecca, a hardware store, or even a donut shop. What it contained was not one, but FOUR brand new PS3s, all of them limited edition Tales Of Xillia bundles. Now I could give a fuck about the Tales series if I put my mind to it and mentally muttered an ‘ah shit, screw it,’ but I was slightly struck by the beautiful gold and red design it sported. Maybe I’m a sucker for leaf blusters. So I took a look at the price and my whole body immediately began to shake. This limited edition bundle came out last September retailing at over $400. The price in the bin was just over $200. It’s true that there has been a price drop since September, but for $200 now, all you can get is a plain black or white 160 GB model with no games. And did I mention Yamada Denki was also throwing in a free HDMI cable and a 3 meter USB cord for the DualShock 3 controller to further sweeten this deal for no apparent reason?

As I began to weigh the situation, one of the systems disappeared before my eyes, taken away by a member of the shop staff who looked like he was going to hide it in the back until his shift ended so that he could buy it himself. There were now three left, and I knew that it wouldn’t be long before this eclipse-like phenomenon had completely passed. I could already sense the regret I would feel by passing up the opportunity to own such a fine piece of hardware at this suddenly kind of affordable price. I think that even awaking from a dream of passing it up would have cast a remorseful pall that shadowed me throughout the week. So I bought it, and you should have, too.

Now that I belong to the thirteen hundred and thirty-sevenness that is the PS3 community, I realize I have nothing to play on it. Except Xillia, that is. And shit, how bad could it be? I guess what worries me more than anything is that the most popular Tales game was Tales of Symphonia, and that game was fucking lame. I played the first five hours and wanted to snap the disc in half to stab myself in the neck and in my eye and in my ear and in my butthole. There have been like a half dozen Tales titles since then and now, so they’ve certainly had time to take out the trash. We shall find out this weekend, and who knows? Serendipity’s happy slurp all you can drink hour may have only just begun.

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