Let me tell you the tale of Gunter the Orc
Whose hometown was ill known for salt mines and pork
Where all the young orclings grew up to be beasts
Who ravaged Tamriel for their manflesh feasts
But Gunter resisted the path of his peers
And set out alone after 21 years
To be a great knight and bring peace to the land
Which lay in ruin by his bloodline’s hand
The quest he embarked on took many a turn
Captured by the empire and by dragon burned
He joined the Companions and heeded their call
Then became a werewolf and slaughtered them all
The Skyrim experience is different for everybody, but there is great room for one’s personal narrative details that make games like this and Fallout 3 worth playing to the hilt. Nearly six months after its acclaimed release, I am finally getting down with this epic ass motherfucker of a game, and it’s everything I anticipated.
Like the Glockenspiels of my Fallout games, Gunter Oniyama is busy as hell making a name for himself in the wide, wide hazardous world. An orc with a heart and head of gold, Gunter tries his hardest to be helpful and always do the right thing. He does not steal and certainly does not kill for pleasure. He wants to save the world and bring it some lasting justice, but unfortunately he is kind of a moronic brute who bites off more than he can chew, tends to trust people too easily, and ends up being manipulated into weird situations where his agreement to help out often means the bloody end for a particular clan or organization. Luckily, he is a mostly unstoppable force who can mow down bands of men and monsters with his fearsome two-handed sword wielding, and even take out the most horrible beasts by turning into a werewolf and ripping the life out of them with his claws. He sure hopes he’s doing the right thing. Heroics are hardly black and white in this game. He’s now trying to save up to buy a house in Whiterun, which for all you veterans out there outs just where we are in the main quest.
So hi everyone, it’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Sorry, I was Stateside enjoying a well-deserved vacation. But I’m back, and there are lots of shits to talk about, Skyrim just one of them. I’m sure my late enthusiasm for this game will be adolescently annoying, but I will try to qualify it with the epicity I extract from the way I play it. Get used to hearing about Gunter’s ridiculous exploits; I’m thinking of even making a facebook page for him. Maybe a Twitter account? Yes, let’s do that. Please follow @GunterTheOrc and watch him make something out of the shit he calls his life.