Gunter Goes To Camp

I took a trip back to Skyrim last weekend because I was kind of fucked up and it sounded like a lot of fun. I had also just finished the first season of HBO’s Game of Thrones, and the medieval setting was on my mind, much moreso than the futuristic primeopolis world of Final Fantasy XIII (in spite of also finishing William Gibson’s Neuromancer for the first time this week). But now that I am back more or less to the same point in FFXIII that I had reached on the 360 version, I should probably worry now more than ever about dropping the quest. But as Skyrim has shown us, you can be drawn back into a game just as easily as you left. If I forget how to fight, though, I’ll be fucked in Gran Pulse.

 

I’m a bit fucked in Skyrim as well, in spite of recalling all the controls after this month-long absence. The only problem is that I have chosen my Orc, Gunter Oniyama, to be the most fearsome greatsword wielder that Tamriel has ever seen. But he’s not, and here’s why: He’s not tanky enough, and blocking with a greatsword is lame and for pussies. Unfortunately, even at Level 16, Gunter is still kind of a pussy, managing to die during the final raid on the Silver Hands no less than a dozen times. He uses all the healing potions he has during every mission, and just doesn’t know any damn better. He’s also still trying to be righteous in his decisions, when it would just be easier to be a douche sometimes and rob and kill people a little more ruthlessly.

 

To those of you who have played this game, do you know what really sucks? When you try to free a prisoner from a band of Imperials or bounty hunters or bandit cunts, going so far as to give the prisoner a weapon, and then all hell breaks loose? It’s like the most annoying side task in the game. Even if you manage to kill all the pricks, the prisoner will surely die, and if he doesn’t, then you’ll end up striking him in the battle, and he’ll start attacking you because he’s a fucking idiot prick, too. Then you have to kill him, and no one has been helped, because you’ve killed four fuckheads whose circumstances you never really understood. It’s not easy trying to be a hero in this game, and I feel more and more like an idiot every time I try. Next time, I’ll just wait until they pass and start shooting them with poison arrows.

 

There’s no lack of shit to do in Skyrim, so the best you can try is one mission at a time when it suits and doesn’t annoy you. Neat what kind of shit can happen by taking on a random quest. I was in Whiterun when I challenged some guy to a drinking contest, won, then blacked out and woke up in a city like fifty miles away. Just like in real life! Oh yeah, I also became the Harbinger of the Companions. Still cursed, though, and that’s kind of lame.

 

Okay, all right, I know – you people did all this crap like a hundred months ago, didn’t you? Look, I didn’t say it was epic cuz it’s timely or topical. It’s cuz it’s me and my excellent adventure. Everyone’s got one. Just like the first time you got drunk and poured three beers into an empty cranberry juice bottle because you wanted to drink a 40 in the hot tub, the first time playing Skyrim should be epic, and if Peter Jackson wouldn’t buy the filming rights to your adventure log, you’re doing it all wrong.

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