Kingdom Hearts and Skyrim Farts

I know I said I was going to talk about Kingdom Hearts 1.5 HD, but first I gotta tell you this story of Jacqwhortz McGlockenspiel’s.

(Jacqwhortz McGlockenspiel is a dark elf currently adventuring the in the Skyrim province of Tamriel.)

I had to get the horse. The trip up to Winterfall (or was it Windhelm?) looked like no picnic on foot, and I had just spent my last gold on pickpocketing lessons. The fellow at the Winking Skeever, Louis Letrush had commissioned (payment on return) me to get the horse that he’d paid half for. The owner of the horse, one of Maven’s ne’erdoepics, Suuli or some such name said that the horse was up at Blackbriar Manor along with his papers of breeding, ownership, and feeding instructions. What do horses eat, anyway? I would have to consider this if I were to make the beast mine.

The manor was separated from the town of Riften by a small stretch of wolf, bear, and sabre cat-infested woods and partway up a mountain. I went by the main gate of the compound, muffling my steps with the spell called.. shit, can’t remember. I was spotted by hired mercenaries almost immediately, but set them ablaze with firebolts in the night, clubbing those who resisted with an enchanted ice mace. When they lay still, I picked the key to the house off one’s body, but ended up picking the lock to a lower level of the house. Frost’s identity papers were just inside, and though I heard drunken talk and song, no unknown faces were seen by either of us. I grabbed a potion or two off the shelves, gathered up the papers and booked it. Halfway down the mountain, I realized that I had forgotten the horse, who was still tied up at the stable in front of the manor. Creeping back up, I noticed a presence that detected my steps. I readied my mace again for any leftover merc meat, and came around the barn to where a giant white stallion or some kind of big ass horse, stood calmly in the moonlight. “Frost,” I muttered, and crept forward. The horse took its notice of me and then seemed to forget I was there as I walked behind it and mounted it (uhh.. yeah – I mounted the horse).

The mare (I don’t know) galloped proudly down the mountain trail and through the woods. I held on, impressed by both the beast’s grace and my ability to stay mounted even as I kicked it toward craggy drops that would snap the femurs of a shittier horse. We were soon set upon by a Breton who had stopped along the trail with his horse. He challenged me, so I got off my horse and started throwing fire spells at him. I honestly didn’t expect Frost to join the battle, but soon enough it was rearing up to knock the man silly with its hooves and I had to watch where I was aiming my fire. The Breton was in the bush attacking my horse head on and I whipped my mace through the brush to bash his shitty brains in. Soon he was still and the Breton’s horse was now ownerless. I considered offering the horse to Frost, but Frost merely sniffed at it pityingly and we were off again to meet LeTrush who lurked about a league ahead.

When we found him, he was ready to finish the transaction, and I could have just given him the horse and taken his money. But I liked this horse, and I also liked money, so after threatening him with Maven’s wrath didn’t work, I decided to kill him outright. I set him on fire and beat on him with the mace, and the horse did the rest. It was beautiful. The horse actually raped Louis LeTrush as he clopped him to death. The man carried nothing but the soiled, punctured clothes on his back as we rode away, Windhelm bound. Or was it Winterfell? North, I guess.

All right, so now about the PS3 remaster of Kingdom Hearts. It’s fucking great!

I’m playing it with my son, who just turned five. I’d been promising him since he was born that once he turned five, we would play Kingdom Hearts together. Kingdom Hearts 1.5 HD came out just before his fifth birthday, and if that’s not the most perfect timing imaginable, then you don’t have a very epic imagination.

We play for one hour every day, and then we have to find a save point and power down. It’s mom’s rule, but I think it’s a good one. First of all, it keeps us both from spacing out too much on the game. Second, it allows us to recap the day’s adventure concisely so that we know what to look forward to tomorrow. Third, I don’t know why I’m trying so hard to justify it. Probably so that our son doesn’t play games the way his father plays Skyrim.

The ‘remaster’ HD makes it sound like everything has been made clearer and that it must have amazing, more realistic graphics. Not 100% so. It just looks like a really big bright and clear version of the PS2 original. Which is fine with me, as I hate changes. But it plays cleanly and perfectly on the PS3, and that is wonderful, because it’s a wonderful game. Apparently it’s three wonderful games, but I wouldn’t know because I’ve yet to touch Chain of Memories or 368/5 Days, which are both included on the disc with Kingdom Hearts Final Mix (the ultimate version of 1).

More later. I’m like, at work or something.

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