Dungeons and Dumbshits

So it’s been an exciting week for video games, hasn’t it?

All right who cares.  Here’s another crass story of Skyrim survival from Jacqwhortz McGlockenspiel:

Jacqwhortz McGlockenspiel traveled to a cave near Falkreath to locate a lost drum. The bard at the college said he’d increase every one of Jacqwhortz’s warrior skills if it could be retrieved, as he had been looking for (ie, lazing around and hoping someone would go fetch) the thing for over 20 goddamn years. Once inside, Jacqwhortz spied a pillar of raw ethereal energy beaming up from an altar near the entrance. Being careful to avoid the fates of the two idiots that had obviously touched it, Jacqwhortz slunk inside the cave’s inner chambers. It was full of ghosts clad in iron, and they fell before the destructive fire of Jacqwhortz’s spells one after the other. Everything was going well, and before long he found himself in the central inner room with the jerk ghost of some jerk named Haldir or Hullderr or some old fuck. Hulfhumper the ghost made three ghostly clones of himself, and each of them wielded a different destructive magic. The fire one cast exploding spells, the electric one did shock damage, and the ice one sapped stamina with his frosty fuckfacedness. It took many attempts and potions to destroy the clones when Halderp himself reappeared and Jacqwhortz started hacking at him with a fully charged Nightingale Blade. It was so fucking sweet because charging the blade increased his enchantment skill, and the hacking itself increased his one-handed which pushed him over the top just enough to level up, increase overall stamina, and add a one-handed perk that would increase his attacks by 20%. Hurgdump fell and Jacqwhortz retrieved the drum and all kinds of nifty shit from the battle chamber.

Now the best way out of the room was a trap door in the floor that would drop one into the first room with the energy pillar, now extinguished. Jacqwhortz flung it open, hopped down, and grievously shattered his pelvis, his legs, and skewered six or seven of his vital organs with the mess of long, pointed bone segments, and died.

The game had not been saved after the battle, and we regenerated at the approach to the boss room. It really fucking sucked having to fight the ghosts of Buttfuck again, and when I did, and I didn’t even level up when he was finally vanquished. Not only did it lack the style and flourish of my previous victory, but as a result, I couldn’t increase my stamina, and ended up maxing out my carrying capacity and had to leave a bunch of the nifty shit behind. Mother to the fucker. It was better the first time in every way except that I didn’t mangle my body beyond repair on the way out.

On the way back to Falkreath, a wood elf on skooma jumped out of the woods and attacked me for no reason. I beat him into bloody junk and took all his drugs. After that I felt much better and had a nice nap.

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