Captain Tez

In Elite Dangerous today,

I delivered synthetic meat and progenitor cells.

And a bundle of explosives to the Hutton Orbital.

Comfiest space ship ever

Asked where I could get my free Anaconda, and they gave me a good price on the cargo.

Bought like 10 mugs and all the Centauri gin I could carry.

Went on an odd courier / trucker route through the great void of space, hopping to various points of light scattered brilliantly through the Milky Way.

Put on the Psychedelic Porn Crumpets’ High Visceral pt. 1 (through the ps4 spotify). Ah. Am I in heaven?

“I found God in a Tomato” played as I maneuvered out of whatever port I was in and realized in horror that I had gotten tricked into a data transmission contract that sent me to the OTHER station that takes a light forever to reach:

The Katzenstein Dock. God damn it. I’ve made the journey before but god does it take forever. Why do these people (no offence, Mr. Katzenstein, the Huttons are assholes, too) build these space stations out in the middle of nowhere?

I guess because if they wanted human company, they’d have stayed on earth.

I am literally shipping Hutton Mugs to the Katzenstein Dock. Fuck me.

Well, let’s see just what they go for over there! Hmm. The price is not listed on eddb.io

But this is interesting – the silver sold at Katzenstein dock goes for a splendid price at the Abraham Lincoln…

Perhaps our friends out in the buttfuck middle of 36 Ophiuchi are not simply longing for that kind of Sol-itude… sorry, I shouldn’t judge. I’m the greediest meanest fucker flying around in the galaxy, and I look like Walter White from Breaking Bad.

Wear a mask. Safety, bitch.

It’s been a long journey for me in Elite Dangerous, mostly undocumented, and played solo despite the vast online world and millions of Commanders playing today. MMOs sometimes make the best single player games, my friends, especially if you play the game like I do, which is epiccally. This is my story. The story of Commander Tez finding his way to his ancestor’s “home.”

Got my Sol Permit about a year after getting my ship.

Now, I can visit the Abraham Lincoln Station orbiting Mother Gaia Earth itself to browse the latest fighter ships in the Galaxy. And that’s just what I’ma do after this two-hour drive to Katzenburg.

But to be honest, I’ve never done combat outside of the tutorial. It’s probably awesome. I should probably ask for help on r/elitedangerous but those guys are too good. Besides, I don’t need human company. I’ll fight from the comfort of my own remote space station in Osaka. No, not that one, but once the State of Emergency is lifted, I sure hope to get back there, too.

Meanwhile, in Red Dead Online, Captain Tez’s ancestor, Tezeta Plaguemaw (yes, relation) runs a successful moonshine and delivery business out of the State of Lemoyne. “I should open a bar. So I can cut down on delivery,” he thought as he shot a squirrel for his trade goods and delivery business.

For more of his exploits, follow @tezetandarknut on twitter

Can you believe those two knuckleheads have their own twitter account? Don’t forget we do, too. @epicuziplayit